July 28, 2009

Open letter of complaint

Dear Inventor of Faux Wood Paneling,

Sorry, but I don't know your name. I've tried Googling for you, but it seems that no one wants to take responsibility for being the brain child behind the monstrosity. Which is probably smart because I've often cursed you anonymously and if I knew your name you better believe I'd add it to my strong offensive language repertoire. Often.

Besides just wanting to have the appropriate name to curse out I'd really like to hunt down where you live. For two reasons. One is to see if you actually put your own terrible creation inside your home (or if you just laughed all the way to the bank) . The second reason is that I plan on hiding in your bushes and delivering a swift kick to your shins as you get the mail. Both shins. While wearing my steel toe boots.

I'm not normally such a violent person but your paneling seems to bring out the worst in me. Maybe its because I just had to rip out two large rooms double layered in faux wood paneling is the reason that I'm particularly bitter.

More likely the bitter feeling in my throat is because faux wood paneling is the reason I no longer have gorgeous old wood baseboards in my Wee house's great room. Your invention helped to devoid my house of historical character. Way to go Mr. Inventive Interior Designer.

In an effort to spruce the place up and modernize in 1980-ish my houses old owners installed a layer of light wood paneling and a drop ceiling. In order for the paneling to lay flat on the wall they scraped off the retro awesome wallpaper and the gorgeous 7" baseboards got ripped out for that custom floor to ceiling faux wood look. Then, in further insult to the house, the baseboards got cut up and attached to ceiling so they could be the anchors of a horrid drop ceiling. I almost cried when I realized what we could have had.

So you see Mr. Inventor of the Devil I place the blame squarely on your shoulders. Had wood paneling never been thought of there surely would still be baseboards in my house. I'm not even going to get into the amount of landfill space your product must take up, but you should be ashamed about that fact too.

- Signed-

Mrs. prefers cracked plaster

Ps- I'm not kidding about the shin kick.
You should run away should we ever meet in a dark alley.

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